How to Get Over a Long Term Relationship: A Complete Guide to Healing and Moving Forward

Getting over a long-term relationship feels like learning to navigate the world all over again. It’s a profound shift, one that can leave you feeling lost and unmoored. Whether your relationship lasted three years or a decade, the end of it brings a unique kind of grief. It’s not just about the person; it’s about the future you planned, the routines you shared, and the person you were with them. Healing is not only possible, it’s a promise you can make to yourself. This guide is a friend-to-friend walkthrough on how to get over a breakup with compassion and intentional steps toward rebuilding a life that feels whole again.

Understanding the Breakup Recovery Process

The first thing to know is that your healing journey won’t be a straight line. Some days you’ll feel like you’re making progress, and other days a random memory can send you right back to square one. That’s completely normal. Recovering from a significant relationship involves moving through several emotional stages, and understanding them can help you be kinder to yourself through the turbulence. Think of it less like a ladder and more like a spiral—you may revisit feelings, but each time from a slightly different, stronger place.

The Stages You’ll Go Through

You’ve probably heard of the stages of grief, and they apply here, too. You’ll likely experience some version of these, and they can overlap or appear in any order:

• Shock and Denial: That initial feeling of disbelief. You might find yourself checking your phone, expecting a text, or feeling like this is all a bad dream.
• Relationship Clarity: After the initial shock wears off, you may start to see the relationship more objectively—the good, the bad, and the reasons it may not have been working.
• Grief and Sadness: This is the heavy part. The tears, the emptiness, the mourning of what was and what could have been.
• Anger and Resentment: You might feel angry at your ex, at the situation, or even at yourself. This anger is a valid part of processing the pain.
• Acceptance and Integration: This isn’t about suddenly being “okay.” It’s about accepting the reality of the breakup and starting to integrate the experience into your life story as you move forward.

How Long Does It Really Take to Heal?

This is the million-dollar question, isn’t it? While there’s no magic formula, you’ve probably heard the old saying: “it takes half the length of the relationship to get over it.” I think we can all agree that’s a bit too simple.

Realistically, most people start to feel a significant emotional shift within three to six months. The first year is often the hardest because you have to navigate all the “firsts” without them—birthdays, holidays, anniversaries. The key isn’t to race to a finish line but to allow yourself the time you truly need. Healing is measured in personal growth, not in calendar days.

Allow Yourself to Grieve Fully

In our rush to feel better, we often try to skip the part that hurts. But you can’t sidestep grief; you have to move through it. Grieving the end of a relationship is essential. You’re mourning the loss of a companion, a routine, and a future you co-created. Denying these feelings only makes them linger.

Give Yourself Permission to Feel

So, feel it all. The sadness, the confusion, the anger, the loneliness, even the moments of relief. There are no “bad” emotions here. Crying is not a sign of weakness; it’s a sign that you loved deeply. Instead of pushing the feelings down, find healthy ways to let them out. Talk to a trusted friend who just listens. Write everything down in a journal—the raw, unfiltered thoughts. This is how you process, and processing is how you heal.

Implement the No Contact Rule

This is one of the most effective, yet most difficult, steps. The no contact rule means cutting off all communication with your ex: no texts, no calls, no DMs, no checking in. It might feel harsh, but it’s an act of self-preservation.

Why is it so important? Because every time you interact, you reopen the wound. It keeps you stuck in a cycle of hope and disappointment, making it impossible to gain clarity. Give yourself a minimum of 30 days of absolute no contact. This space is not for them; it’s for you to begin healing without interference.

Set Clear Social Media Boundaries

In today’s world, a breakup isn’t final until it’s “digitally final.” Resist the urge to check their social media. It’s a form of self-torture that provides no real information and only fuels speculation and pain.

• Mute or Unfollow: You don’t have to make a dramatic “unfriending” statement, but muting their accounts is a non-negotiable act of self-care.
• Remove Triggering Photos: You don’t have to delete them forever, but move them to a hidden folder so they aren’t in your daily feed.
• Take a Break: If you need to, take a week or two off social media entirely. The world will still be there when you get back.

See the Relationship Objectively

When a relationship ends, it’s easy to romanticize the past. Your brain tends to highlight all the wonderful moments while conveniently forgetting the arguments, the incompatibilities, and the reasons it ended.

Take some time to reflect honestly. Grab a journal and make two columns: one for the things you loved about the relationship and one for the things that weren’t working. This isn’t about blaming anyone. It’s about breaking the fantasy bond and seeing the relationship for what it truly was—a chapter with both beautiful and difficult parts, and a chapter that has now closed.

Prioritize Self-Care and Wellness

Your emotional and physical health are deeply connected. During a breakup, your body is under immense stress, so basic self-care becomes more important than ever. This is your foundation for healing.

Focus on the non-negotiables:

• Sleep: Grief is exhausting. If you’re struggling with how to fall asleep after a breakup, try creating a calming bedtime routine.
• Nutrition: Try to eat nourishing meals, even when you don’t feel like it. Your body needs fuel to process heavy emotions.
• Movement: Exercise is a powerful tool. A walk outside, a yoga class, or a dance session can release endorphins and help clear your head.
• Avoid Numbing: Be mindful of using alcohol or other substances to numb the pain. It’s a temporary fix that often makes you feel worse in the long run.

Activities That Support Healing

Self-care isn’t just about bubble baths (though those are great, too!). It’s about intentionally doing things that soothe your soul and help you reconnect with yourself. If you’re looking for ways to fill the time, here are some ideas for how to distract yourself from a breakup:

• Journaling: A safe space to pour out your thoughts.
• Mindfulness: Apps like Calm or Headspace can help ground you in the present moment.
• Nature: Spend time outdoors. Go for a hike or sit in a park.
• Creativity: Paint, play an instrument, or write. Create something out of your emotions.
• Reading: Get lost in a good book.

Rebuild Your Identity and Rediscover Yourself

In a long-term relationship, your identities can merge. Your “me” can get a little lost in the “we.” This is a natural part of partnership, but it also means a breakup can trigger an identity crisis.

See this as an opportunity. Who are you, outside of that relationship? Reconnect with hobbies you set aside. Take that class you were always curious about. Plan a solo trip. This phase is about rediscovering what makes you feel alive and whole on your own. It’s not about replacing your ex; it’s about remembering yourself.

Reconnect With Your Support System

You don’t have to go through this alone. In fact, you shouldn’t. Lean on your friends and family. Let them know what you need—whether it’s a shoulder to cry on, a distraction, or just someone to sit in comfortable silence with. Connection is the antidote to shame and isolation. If you find yourself struggling with feeling lonely after a breakup, making that call to a friend can make all the difference. Their presence reminds you that you are loved and that this one relationship does not define your worth.

Avoid Common Mistakes That Delay Healing

Healing is a delicate process, and certain actions can set you back. Being aware of these common pitfalls can help you navigate your recovery more smoothly. Many of these are covered in guides on things not to do after a breakup, but the big ones are worth repeating.

• Seeking “Closure” from Your Ex: True closure comes from within, not from one last conversation that will likely leave you more confused.
• Trying to Be Friends Immediately: It rarely works. You both need space to heal independently before a friendship is even a remote possibility.
• Making Impulsive Decisions: Avoid major life changes like quitting your job or moving to a new city in the immediate aftermath. Let the emotional dust settle first.

Don’t Rush Into Dating Again

The temptation to download a dating app and find a replacement can be strong. A “rebound” might offer a temporary ego boost, but it’s a bandage on a wound that needs air to heal. Jumping into a new relationship before you’ve processed the last one is unfair to you and the new person. Wait until you feel genuinely content and happy on your own. That’s when you’ll be ready to connect with someone for the right reasons.

Consider Professional Support

There is immense strength in asking for help. A therapist can provide you with unbiased support and tools to navigate your grief. Therapy is a dedicated space for you to process your emotions, understand your relationship patterns, and develop healthy coping strategies. Modalities like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) can help you challenge negative thought patterns, while attachment-based therapy can help you understand your dynamics in relationships.

Recognize Signs You’re Moving Forward

One day, you’ll notice a shift. It might be subtle at first. Here are a few signs that you are genuinely healing:

• You go an entire day without thinking about them.
• You can listen to “your song” without breaking down.
• You start feeling excited about your own future.
• You no longer feel the compulsive urge to check their social media.
• You can think about them and wish them well, without resentment.

These moments are victories. Celebrate them. They are proof that you are moving forward.

When You’re Ready: Opening Up to Love Again

There will come a time when the thought of a new relationship feels exciting rather than daunting. You’ll know you’re ready when you’re looking for a partner to add to your already happy life, not to complete it.

When you do start dating again, take it slow. Be clear about your boundaries and your pace. The goal isn’t to recreate what you lost but to build something new, with the wisdom you’ve gained from your past.

Healing from a long-term relationship is a journey of rediscovery. It’s painful, but it’s also a powerful opportunity to rebuild your life on your own terms. Be patient, be kind to yourself, and trust the process. For more thoughts on wellness and personal growth, feel free to explore more at www.notonetype.org.